The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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