youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
