I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
