My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
