you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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