Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
