I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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