3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
