i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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