the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Randomize
