Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
