R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
