I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
