I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
