I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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