The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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