Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
