after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
