I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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