Soap is not a condiment
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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