FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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