i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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