we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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