dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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