the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
