He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
