She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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