did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
