I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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