Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
