so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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