Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
