this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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