I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
