I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you have to choose: penises or morals?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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