I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
