Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
