We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
