The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
