i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
