hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
