There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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