I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I will pee on everything he values.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
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