did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
