my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just pee around me
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
