I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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