he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
