I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
