If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
