Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My breasts were aching with rage.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
