I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
